Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
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So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH