When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
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I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Spotted in New Orleans.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
My biggest fear is dying alone.
Not really stoked to die with people either.
You know, dying in general doesn’t exactly sound like pancakes.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder