@jackiembouvier

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

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@leapeajo

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”

@GrowlyGrego

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

@MatCro

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?

@VeryLonelyLuke

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

@ThaJawn

I don’t trust rabbits…

Anything that’s happy with just lettuce is suspicious

@DurtMcHurtt

I bet Yoda was pretty hot before he turned into an old Asian lady.

@daemonic3

my thoughts based on your zodiac symbol

aquarius♒:¯_(ツ)_/¯
pisces♓:¯_(ツ)_/¯
aries♈:¯_(ツ)_/¯
taurus♉:¯_(ツ)_/¯
gemini♊:¯_(ツ)_/¯
cancer♋: NICE
leo♌:¯_(ツ)_/¯
virgo♍:¯_(ツ)_/¯
libra♎:¯_(ツ)_/¯
scorpio♏:¯_(ツ)_/¯
sagittarius♐:¯_(ツ)_/¯
capricorn♑:¯_(ツ)_/¯