@jackiembouvier

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

You Might Also Like

@DrinkingJimmy

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.

@TuffyNyC

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

@dumbbeezie

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

@yoyoha

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

@10TAVY

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

@daneZie

My biggest fear is dying alone.
Not really stoked to die with people either.
You know, dying in general doesn’t exactly sound like pancakes.

@MollyERA

DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME

@Brianhopecomedy

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

@wickedimproper

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder