Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
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I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.