[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
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No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
not for long
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*