Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Coworker:I’ll take care if it.
You’re gonna take care of it. You just don’t know it yet.
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I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I’m impecunious.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
“What aisle has the milk?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What aisle has the milk?”
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
When I was 3 years old I looked at my nutsack and asked my Mom “Are these my brains?”.”Not yet,” she replied
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?