Coworker:I’ll take care if it.


You’re gonna take care of it. You just don’t know it yet.

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Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.


I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I’m impecunious.


me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god


where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?


“What aisle has the milk?”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers* “What aisle has the milk?”


Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*


ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?


When I was 3 years old I looked at my nutsack and asked my Mom “Are these my brains?”.”Not yet,” she replied


Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%