coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
You Might Also Like
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.