@littleliterally

coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!

me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!

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@wickedsuga

I am an expert at making balloon animals.

May I interest you in a hyphen or a pickle?

@CodyJP9412

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real cat person.

ME: *slowly pushes paperwork off desk*

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

@Mom_Overboard

[Satanic ritual]

Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this

Me: the sacrifice

Leader: they’re cupcakes

Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM

@Shen_the_Bird

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

@dafloydsta

A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.

@TheCatWhisprer

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

@Aspersioncast

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

@Browtweaten

me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes

@cathisamazing

Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.

Explain yourselves.

@IamJackBoot

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.