Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
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A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you