@murrman5

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

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@TheTweetOfGod

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

@TheMichaelRock

The best part about Christmas Eve is when grandma gets drunk and tries to fight everyone.

@thepaulasuzanne

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

@cal_gif

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

@3sunzzz

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

@beefman138

“Wow, that’s great!”

~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.

@krissywillbretz

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

@bobbiejo448

Dora could get to her destination in half the time if Swiper were in prison where he belongs.

@gobmentcheese

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.