I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
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The best part about Christmas Eve is when grandma gets drunk and tries to fight everyone.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Dora could get to her destination in half the time if Swiper were in prison where he belongs.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.