coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
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favorite tropes as memes
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
When you kidnap a writer.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note