They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
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“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut