@Mr_Kapowski

Coworkers: Zack, you should come to a hookah bar with us!

Me: Why? Who’s celebrating their 12th birthday?

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@caliluvgirl77

“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”

-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords

@DaddyJew

Son: you have a gray hair

Me: it’s a badge of honor

Son: *looks at head* whoa, you’re like some sort of super soldier

Me: go to your room

@abbycohenwl

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

@jazz_inmypants

[high school reunion]

girl i had a major crush on: so what have you been up to?

me: oh you know just the usual astronaut stuff

girl: oh i–

me: hang on i need to take this *holding phone upside down* hi nasa. yes yes the moon. and planets, yes. not pluto tho haha. k luv u bye

@GorillaNipples1

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

@MissHavisham

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

@Vice_Queen

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

@yoyoha

8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*

Being an adult is stupid.