@roxiqt

Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.

You Might Also Like

@joeljeffrey

[Eating]

Waiter: How’s the meal?

Me: I dunno. Let me check

*pulls out phone

Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram

Waiter: …

@Book_Krazy

Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.

Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!

@cheeky__gal

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

@truegritrumble

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

@ihateitmunky

My boss asked me to stop using metaphors when i speak to clients but that’s like asking a samurai not to use his sword

@justabloodygame

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

@DaHess1

Tonight’s flirtation brought to you by the letter Booze.

It’s a word? Whatever, man. I don’t know algebra and shit.