Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
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*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
*puts $100 in the swear jar
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
My boss asked me to stop using metaphors when i speak to clients but that’s like asking a samurai not to use his sword
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Tonight’s flirtation brought to you by the letter Booze.
It’s a word? Whatever, man. I don’t know algebra and shit.