Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
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Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”