Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
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I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
What the hell is this REstraining Order?!? I never even got a Straining Order? I’m gonna go over to her house and sort this out.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Halloween is the only day of the year you can ask someone “what are you supposed to be?” without triggering an existential crisis.
“Don’t you wish you had children?”
Me: Don’t you wish you had money, free time, & sanity?