@Zaufo

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

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@dafloydsta

[speed dating]

Her: THIS IS NICE

Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO

Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?

Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED

@envydatropic

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

@maebemarbles

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

@TitansHomer

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

@Daveastated

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

@prontopup

What the hell is this REstraining Order?!? I never even got a Straining Order? I’m gonna go over to her house and sort this out.

@treydayway

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

@funnyfries

I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

@BillDixonish

Halloween is the only day of the year you can ask someone “what are you supposed to be?” without triggering an existential crisis.

@liv_thatsme

“Don’t you wish you had children?”

Me: Don’t you wish you had money, free time, & sanity?