cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
All this data mining and Facebook still can鈥檛 tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
incredible text to wake up to
I love rap beefs, it鈥檚 so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can鈥檛.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Wait for it! 馃ぃ馃憦馃槤
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you鈥檒l be if you watch them with your parents.