I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Coyote: Top Speed 43 mph
Roadrunner: Top Speed 26 mph
My childhood was a lie.
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Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
I’ve learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Overheard at the coffee shop: ‘i think that guy is listening to our conversation’
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
me: im terrified of vowels
me: only sometimes
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”