@ozzyunc

Coyote: Top Speed 43 mph
Roadrunner: Top Speed 26 mph

My childhood was a lie.

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@JimmerThatisAll

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

@fro_vo

Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian

@imadepoopstoday

I’ve learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.

@RunOldMan

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

@Vivalazoso

Overheard at the coffee shop: ‘i think that guy is listening to our conversation’

@causticbob

I went for a job interview.

The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”

“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied

@BrendanHealy4

Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’

@TuSoonShakur

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”