Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
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ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”