@E_lok44

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

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@DrakeGatsby

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

@JB1971_

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

@mommajessiec

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

@pixelatedboat

Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours

@Pumpkinbabypie

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

@clusterBtraits

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

@Douchekevin

I will not tolerate watching the neighbourhood kids bully my nephew.

So I keep the curtains closed.

@david8hughes

[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree

@KimmyMonte

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.