Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
You Might Also Like
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
No, of course I’m not mad.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
I will not tolerate watching the neighbourhood kids bully my nephew.
So I keep the curtains closed.
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.