(CPR class)

Wife to instructor: What if my knees start to hurt?

Me to instructor: See what I’m up against?

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DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.


As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left


Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves


My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.


Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel


A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.


Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes


her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what