My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
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*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help
(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..