[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

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My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.


[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!


Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?

Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*


I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name


[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)


[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.


Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.



Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.


throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..