[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
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The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.