@CM2BTTHD

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

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@scorpicpanda

{discussing wedding dresses}
CW1: I had mine preserved.
CW2: I donated mine to a charity. You?
Me: I used mine as kindling for a bonfire.

@gobmentcheese

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

@TheGrimKing

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

@Sickayduh

WHY IS IT CALLED “CAPS LOCK”
AND NOT “CAPITAL PUNISHMENT”

@ch000ch

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

@RyanAndrewMitch

Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.

@RastaHipsta

Mission Impossible? He’s done four of them now. Let’s call it “Mission Pretty Hard but Ultimately Doable”

@1evilidiot

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

@Tha6God

I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?

@mompsychologist

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.