CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

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[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office


Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.


Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁


My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.


[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room


I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs


Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.


My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.


I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.