@CM2BTTHD

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

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@upsidedowntrash

[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office

@ndiquote

Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.

@stockejock

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

@DadandBuried

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

@rebrafsim

[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room

@AndrewsNotFunny

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

@3sunzzz

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

@KentWGraham

My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.

@BCMontgo

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.