CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
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My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk