[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
You Might Also Like
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
every single time
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
this isn’t threatening at all
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?