My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
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“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
This came to me in a dream.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
My wife has the worst taste in men.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow