Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
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My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Pizza is an emotion right?
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
You wish you had this many chins.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.