Crabs only walk that way when people are looking at them

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Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?


I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.


Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife


I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.


1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.


Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.


I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.


A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”


[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital