@bea_ker

Crabs only walk that way when people are looking at them

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@BreadFoster

Man buns: Because girls want the convenience of a guy who always has a hair tie.

@ibid78

Bro do you even watch The Notebook and weep softly, mourning the eternal nature of love juxtaposed against the fallibility of memory, bro?

@ElleOhHell

Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”

@AdamOfEarth

Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”

Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”

@Topcat_007

New superhero: The Delegator

“This looks like a job for… Someone Else!”

@meganamram

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

@DanMentos

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline

@cravin4

Caesar: Et tu, Brute?

Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.