Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
H: So you like shabby chic?
Crabs only walk that way when people are looking at them
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I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *