Crabs only walk that way when people are looking at them

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Man buns: Because girls want the convenience of a guy who always has a hair tie.


Bro do you even watch The Notebook and weep softly, mourning the eternal nature of love juxtaposed against the fallibility of memory, bro?


Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”


Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”

Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”


New superhero: The Delegator

“This looks like a job for… Someone Else!”


Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff


Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline


Caesar: Et tu, Brute?

Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.