Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
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My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.