Customize Your Wedding.
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Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.