Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
You Might Also Like
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
That was easy.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.