CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
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[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.