*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
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Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Being wrong is most effective when done loudly.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Why was 9 afraid of 10? Because 10 11 12.
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”
(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
Neighbor: do you smell something outside?
Me: it’s the horses.
Neighbor: it smells like marijuana.
Me: they’re high. high horses.