CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
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Mom: What is taking so long?!
14 year old boy in the bathroom: DEBATE PREP
Hottest day ever recorded in November and my neighbor is already installing Christmas lights. So don’t send me a fruitcake. Already got one.
Worst day. Had a tampon behind my ear all afternoon and still cant find my cigarette.
ME: snakes are mean
ME: but it’s not their fault. They have 2 ends & no legs
ME: so the ends justify the mean
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
dude at house party: “anybody here wanna bone?”
girl 2: “no way”
girl 3: “never”
dog: “i am very interested in your offer”
gotta love twitter
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.