@BuckyIsotope

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

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@ThisOneSayz

*opens door*

Stop screaming!

*opens door*

What broke?!

*opens door*

Just wait until I get out there!!

~parenting from the bathroom

@BackrowSeats

Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want. You’ll still have herpes.

@knot_eye

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

@cravin4

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

@PoliceBadBoy

Looking for someone to do the heavy lifting when I need a body buried…

~ No weirdos

@Abid_ism

once someone was like “millennials don’t answer a door if they aren’t expecting anyone???” and i get why the 70s had so many serial killers

@DothTheDoth

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

@MomOnFire

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

@turtledumplin

Someone on my FB posted a snap that said “I’m boared”

And I’m just like…….
*don’t comment
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