@BuckyIsotope

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

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@TheAlexNevil

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

@ThisOneSayz

“Extra cheese”

Extra! Extra! More cheese!!

“No olives”

Breaking! Hold on the olives!

~Ex-Newsie working at Subway

@brennadine

Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?

@lecalabara

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.

@dafloydsta

[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY

@HomeWithPeanut

(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”

(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[text]
Neighbor: do you smell something outside?
Me: it’s the horses.
Neighbor: it smells like marijuana.
Me: they’re high. high horses.