CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
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a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Oh no
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.