A co-worker said to me, “Could you be any more annoying?” So the next day I wore tap shoes to work.
Looking for someone who can push me on the swings. Every 9th push has to be an underdog push.
No weirdos please.
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We really went from July 1st to July 3rd in two days
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
In Russia, Jesus finds you.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!