“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Looking for someone who can push me on the swings. Every 9th push has to be an underdog push.
No weirdos please.
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My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Who called it confronting ur husband Stanley about flirty texts from a girl named Rebecca from a former soviet state and not Who’sbeckystan?
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
HER: I’m a first-grade teacher.
ME (trying to impress her): *pees in pants*
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
If I was president I’d fine Canada $1k per goose per day for every one they’ve let cross into our country
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I think my husband cheated on me. Not one of our kids resembles him at all…