@DvuslyMarvelous

Craigslist ad:
Looking for someone who can push me on the swings. Every 9th push has to be an underdog push.

No weirdos please.

You Might Also Like

@LlamaInaTux

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

@OctopusCaveman

My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.

@Brampersandon_

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

@jazmasta

Who called it confronting ur husband Stanley about flirty texts from a girl named Rebecca from a former soviet state and not Who’sbeckystan?

@professorkiosk

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

@G_Faylor

[blind date]

HER: I’m a first-grade teacher.

ME (trying to impress her): *pees in pants*

@JenniferJokes

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

If I was president I’d fine Canada $1k per goose per day for every one they’ve let cross into our country

@mommajessiec

Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!

Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!

Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year

@_InsanelyNormal

I think my husband cheated on me. Not one of our kids resembles him at all…