Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
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I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”