Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
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Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost