[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
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You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
When you’re here for the treats.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
The news in a nutshell.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.