Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
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Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
.
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Squash
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!