Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
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Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Love it! 👍😂
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT