*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
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*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Every work call, he judges.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.