@PinkCamoTO

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

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@userjaymes

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

@KevinFarzad

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

@iwearaonesie

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

@moodtooth

I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.

@russhigher

My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on her face!

I love Sharpie markers.

@JessObsess

ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough

@Cpin42

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

@TheAlexNevil

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.

@AnniemuMary

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

@SunnySideUp1987

If you text me in all CAPS, I will assume we are meeting In the street to fight in the near future.