*Husband runs into bedroom*


Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

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me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco


Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account


Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips


I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.


My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on her face!

I love Sharpie markers.


ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough


My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!


At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.


I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.


If you text me in all CAPS, I will assume we are meeting In the street to fight in the near future.