*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
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Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.