*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
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Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
🤣✨#caturday
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
this is me
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back