The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
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genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own