*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
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[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.