A Match(.com), but for socks.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
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Hey Siri … find me recipes that use brown mustard, Worcestershire sauce, white rice, and a 13 year old can of creamed corn.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
You know what’s better than being married? Everything.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.