@maebemarbles
@heymonroe Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
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@heymonroe 
@stephpaulus Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor’s house is genius.
@fightforfood We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
@markydoodoo The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
@KizerBillhelm It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
@theDRaGnrebOrN To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
@MiahSaint Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
@MNateShyamalan guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
@ojedge BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
