My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
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if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Happens to everyone.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*