*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
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I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
become ungovernable
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I saw nothing
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*