*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
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This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– oh honey
– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
[running from a knife wielding murderer] oh hell yeah, my Fitbit steps are gonna be OFF THE SCALE today
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I’m the guy in charge of making the room smell nasty in the Glade commercials.
My favorite part of every Christmas special is when Santa’s sleigh and all the reindeer lift off from a roof and head for the distant horizon instead of the house next door.