@Ideal_Victoria

*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving

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@vault101girl

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

@oakhillbargrill

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

@jwoodham

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

@KalvinMacleod

911 what’s the emergency?

“How do u unburn pizza?”

U burnt a pizza

“Yes”

I’ll send a squad car

“Ok will they help?”

No ur under arrest

@BRENTHOR

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

@jazmasta

[running from a knife wielding murderer] oh hell yeah, my Fitbit steps are gonna be OFF THE SCALE today

@Dutch_50

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.

@andytwined

I’m the guy in charge of making the room smell nasty in the Glade commercials.

@GalaxyofGhosts

My favorite part of every Christmas special is when Santa’s sleigh and all the reindeer lift off from a roof and head for the distant horizon instead of the house next door.