Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
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Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Haha good job!!
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”