Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
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The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?