[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
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Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
#DesignFail
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.