Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

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in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism


[bank robbery]


[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money


A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…


*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*


I always put a crouton on my ice cream sundaes instead of a cherry. That way, it counts as a salad!


I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom


*walk up to woman breastfeeding baby* Is this guy bothering you?


They say misery loves company and I’m like, no I don’t.


OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail


[first day as doctor]

me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep

patient: how can you tell?

me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders