“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
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Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home
Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I exercise religiously.
Which means I go running dressed as the Pope.