Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
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“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.