Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

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“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”

*makes her laugh*

“Not you.”


Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now


[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?


Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…


I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period


Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava


One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.


On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”


I exercise religiously.

Which means I go running dressed as the Pope.