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@AnkCoupleTO

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

@Donna_McCoy

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

@Mom_Overboard

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

@EddieMcSugarnut

I’m just a naked guy in an elm tree noticing the creepy way you stare at me through your bathroom window.

@OctopusCaveman

[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”

@thebeckyard

Me: Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your family! Dishonor on your house!

Olive Garden server: Please stop! I’ll bring more cheese to grate!

@girlnarly

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

@Marlebean

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

@lyric_intent

The most awkward part of being the first person to write something down, was then explaining to everyone that they were now illiterate