Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
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sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
happy mother’s day❤️
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?