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[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*


Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.


Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman


I’m just a naked guy in an elm tree noticing the creepy way you stare at me through your bathroom window.


[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”


Me: Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your family! Dishonor on your house!

Olive Garden server: Please stop! I’ll bring more cheese to grate!


in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents


AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain


The most awkward part of being the first person to write something down, was then explaining to everyone that they were now illiterate