crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

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Just locked eyes with a spider, but instead of killing him, I ran away & hid so he can spend the whole night stressing about where I am.


The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.


Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.


I’m such a slave to the man working on a Saturday night.

A drunk slave but whatever. Atleast my e-mails to my boss are hilarious now.


I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.


Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.


I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.


FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords