crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
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I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.