crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
You Might Also Like
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Cheer up.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Ha.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.