Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
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I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed