Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
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Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”