Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
You Might Also Like
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Well, this explains it:
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night